i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding