just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
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i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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