My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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