I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
