hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
How external is "for external use only"?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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