How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
