dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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