Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
