So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
