Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Randomize
