I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Randomize
