I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
