Apparently you make a good broom.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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