Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
