Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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