If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'