So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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