so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
