Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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