i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
