i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
She's the barista slut.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
