WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
