pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
