i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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