We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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