I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
