I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
