no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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