Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
