Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
