three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
