Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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