when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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