But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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