What did we do last night that was yellow?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
