I'm eating all of the evidence.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
