guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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