Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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