Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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