Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
