So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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