I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
