Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
