I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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