I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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