my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
