happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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