just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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