last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
