I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
