You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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