i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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