My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
