Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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