Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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