i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
