this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
