There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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