Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
