I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
