i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
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You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
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we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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