Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize